Saturday, June 25, 2011

Is this confusing?

so now that I have followers (!) I can guess that they might read this. :) I just spent today writing, and that was awesome. I was wondering if these paragraphs was confusing, though. This is about a girl who tells her boyfriend that she can fly.

But all you do was stare at me weird and roll your eyes like I'm joking. You lean back in your chair and smile at me like I'm 5 years old and I want to show you my dog. "Well, let's see it."

So I ran. In that moment, every awful thing that he ever did comes rushing into my mind. Anger runs through my bare skin like a gust of wind. I can feel my head being forced up, a wave of burning hot air propelling it. I concentrate on what an awful asshole he was, until the air is so strong it sears my flesh. I can see the raw, bloody skin surfacing, until I am completely reborn, in new flesh. Somehow though, it doesn't hurt. Like her anger was some sort of protective balm, a shield against pain. 

okay, so if I told you that it was her anger that was making her fly, would that be news to you? (it's bad if it is)


  1. Not news, I got that. You have some tense inconsistencies, back and forth between present and past, and a POV change in the last sentence. Aside from that, not confusing at all, and very interesting!

    You need more readers. Everyone else is good at positive feedback, and I'm good at nitpicking. XD I blame my parents.

  2. Nope I understood it! Very interesting writing too! I LOVED it! The only thing I would change is your tenses. For instance,
    "But all you do was stare at me weird and roll your eyes like I'm joking."
    You said do, present tense, and was, past tense, yet it's at the same time. It would be better if it was done either of these ways,

    "But all you do is stare at me weirdly and roll your eyes like I'm joking."


    "But all you did was stare at me weirdly and roll your eyes like I'm joking."

    I know, I'm annoying. xD
    But don't worry, I usually just fix it mentally then read it and enjoy it and not mention it :P

    It was a really fantastic excerpt, by the way! Can't wait to read more of your stuff! :D

  3. Oh, I just realized Ann Marie said basically the same thing as I did xD
    Well, at least now you know :P

  4. i understood your such a good writer

  5. yay! thanks for the comments!
    @ ann- no, your nitpicking is awesome. :) I always forget about that kind of thing, and I need someone to nitpick for me. :D
    @ skyril- yeah, same thing. I'm not going to fix it on here because I'm putting up the whole version, all revised and awesome-fied, later this week. :) and wow, thanks for liking it. Actually, I probably shouldn't thank you for liking things that you decided to like by yourself. So thank you for telling me that you liked it. :)
    @ Nymph- :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
    Wow, thank you.
    everyone, your comments make me so happy. :) *does happy dance* All I hear from my english teacher is how I didn't include enough vocab words, or how I can't have anyone dying in my writing (the one time that she assigned a CREATIVE writing piece). So it's really great to get feedback from people who like what I'm doing. :)

  6. You can't have anyone die in your writing? Seriously? Your teacher is whack.

  7. yeah, apparently, if you don't revise the dying out, they refer you to the psychologist. *sigh*